If it doesn't honor me...time.

My body has felt so foreign to me lately. I analyze it, a hard boned frame, with meat on top and a skin sack to keep it all tied together. I don't know if existential is the word, so I try, spiritual, aware, mindful....when in reality it is just goddamn anxiety. I've been panicking since turning 29....less than a year now to 30, and I don't know if I'm doing life right. Shouldn't I have children and a mortgage by now? I can't help but get sweaty while thoughts come at me of "you missed these check marks on the life list, you fucked up." My anxiety spirals. What am I missing here? Why do I panic about my future, sigh in remembrance of my past and completely fuck off about this present moment to be in? Because eventually this becomes my past and I'll just look back at moments of me in fear, spinning around and not doing anything at all, because "what if." 

I am chewing on steak and already thinking about the next bite, so I don't focus on whats in my mouth, and I end up making myself choke. The joke is that I look around in panic because no one knows the heimlich and I die in anger screaming to myself "WHY IS NO ONE SAVING ME" where in reality I could always save myself by just chewing slower. I am here wishing my life away, and then crying over all the things I never did/saw/accomplished. 

I am a walking hypocrite. I preach mindfulness to myself all the time and yet I ignore doing it constantly. I fill a hot bath, and already am sad that in 20 minutes the water will be cold, instead of just enjoying the goddamn hot bath in the moment. I worry about bills, and credit scores, my 401K, my cancer diagnosis I'll get a 72....I miss out on so many opportunities because of fear...of unknown. I could sneeze too hard, have a brain aneurysm and be dead later today....we never know when our time comes. I think what I am truly afraid of, is being on my death bed and having "I wish I did...." moments. 

I am a nurse, I have seen death many times, but this moment was changing for me. I was with a patient, they had a sudden terminal diagnosis and they were actively dying. I held this patients hand, they were crying, fearful and they looked at me and said "you know, I don't remember if it rained on my prom and I should have smoked more." And then I cried with them. 

I will hold those words forever.....I will learn to not lose sleep over anything, like rain on my prom, and I will say yes to so much fun and moments, like smoking.

I want to stay here in the present time, because I am raw. I am at my truest ugliest form and I goddamn love her. I will honor myself by being here right now, by focusing just on this moment, to live day by day, taking no time ever for granted, because we never know when our time card will be punched and it'll be too late. I don't want to be too late.