If it doesn't honor me....anxiety

I wish I could find adequate words to describe anxiety. Some catch all metaphor about drowning or a crushing weight....but my brain lacks the capacity to describe it's biggest downfall. How can I put into words that the organ that keeps my heart beating also tries to convince me that everyone who says "I love you" is lying. 

I can't come up with some great description, because the only thing that comes to my brain is "why." Not even a question mark to follow the "why" because its not a question, to be a question I should expect an answer and I know there is none, so my "why" is yet a simple and lonely statement, just why. 

Quiet consumes me and there is no distraction for my thoughts anymore, and they come for me, I feel my heart rate increase and I start my breathing exercises. Ones which I like to think my therapist would be very proud of. But the thoughts come, my brain that controls my entire body system, can't seem to control these thoughts. It's cruel really. Thoughts develop in my brain, so it's like I bring it upon myself. I am a master who has lost control over their creation, and tonight my answer to control this anxiety is to stay awake and exercise, and plan my meals for tomorrow. This seems to settle the beast inside my head, some bones for it to suck on, but it will soon hunger again and my sacrifice will have to be bigger this time. 

A couple times I tried to sacrifice myself to this ferocious beast anxiety, thinking that killing myself would be the best way to finally get some peace in my mind, but this girl is apparently very bad at trying to kill herself (which I'm grateful for, so relax.) my anxiety seemed to be pleased with the start of these sacrifices though, so now I've discovered I can just try and kill myself on the inside, live in this empty shell of a sad girl, because at least my anxiety won't be too bad today, and maybe it'll let me rest. 

I have these incredible waves of relief though, moments of existential clarity, and I actually feel like I can breathe without worry. I think my brain teases me with these, taunting me saying "if you were a normal girl, you'd be like this all the time, but you're not, you're my girl." And that's who I am, I am anxiety's girl. And I feel like I'm choking.

I wonder what it's like being able to actually function day to day without worrying what sacrifice you'll have to give to keep the monsters away. I have taken chunks of myself, I am not a whole woman anymore, but taped together parts of a very sad little girl who is angry when her daddy didn't believe she had a monster under her bed, so he shut the lights off, walked away, and the monster came out and ate her. 

My heart is beating faster and I can feel myself start to cry. I don't know what I can sacrifice anymore, and I don't know how to get back what I've already given away. I am overwhelmed with my own being. I dishonor myself this way, but at least I can recognize it now. At least I know these are moments, and moments pass, and I don't need to place myself on a silver platter for this anxiety monster to be satisfied with me. I can just make very strong awkward eye contact until he looks away right?? (Funny, I know.) 

But this is how I honor myself. This is how I can over come this, by recognizing life is all a series of moments, good and bad. Good ones pass which means bad ones have to as well. So I'll sit here and I'll wait out my anxiety monster, I'll wait for this moment to pass and my breath will come back and I'll be able to look at myself again. I sacrifice myself to no one or nothing anymore.