If it doesn't honor me....self harm

It amazes me how I need to fight to not cause myself pain on purpose. It amazes me how I need to fight urges to vomit or cut myself or drink until I am asleep on the inside. It amazes me of how deep the pit I find myself in, how dark the darkness is. It amazes me how I am not dead. 

I feel guilty being alive, unfounded, unknown as to why, but it's there. My soul feels unworthy to encompass this being, so my only thought and rationale, is that I need to punish it. I need to hurt it, I need to make my insides be outsides, all of it ugly. 

I go through moments of finding such wonder and beauty in life, and I'll feel the sun on my face, and smile. But it never fails that I will come crashing down, all my bones will break, I'll lay there bleeding out, and I'll be wishing that I could lick my penny tasting blood, so at least I know, that I'm a real girl. 

But who can I blame? I wonder so much about my neurons up there, firing off, sending signals, adjusting my emotions, breathing pattern, and heart beat to different aspects of my day. For grabbing onto trauma, and holding onto it so tight that it chokes me instead. I can't remember my 8th birthday, I'm sure I was happy, I'm sure the cake was delicious. I can't remember vacations where I made sandcastles and laughed, I can't remember the first time I rode a horse, I was probably so proud of myself. I can't remember all of these wonderful moments I know I had in my life, but I remember the scary nights of screaming, I remember the boy saying "I'm almost there" even after I asked him so many times to get off of me. I remember how my dad told me if I lost weight a boy might like me. I remember so many things I wish I could forget, go inside my head and pluck them away. And I think that's why cutting and purging were such a relief, I was able to get something inside of me, outside of me. 

And I still have all these dark spots in my brain, but now my ways to release them are unknown to me. I don't want to hurt myself, but my brain hasn't completely caught on to that. I don't want to cut my skin open anymore, I want to eat dinner calmly and keep it inside of me. And I do, and I have....but the urges to revert back to the comfort of my own destructive oblivion have been indescribable lately. I am sitting here typing and I'm truly at a loss of words, and I think that's understandable because how do I elaborate on the want and desire to hurt myself? What are the words for that? 

I am on the edge. But I am too afraid to look over that cliff to see exactly what I'd be falling to. A relief or a relapse? So I'll sit here on the edge with my thoughts and try and type them out, no longer trapped between my brain and fingers. I picture it honestly, the fresh slices with a bloody release, the feeling of vomit coming up my throat.  The relief I know that follows is intense, but also short lived, the guilt that follows lasts too long. 

Addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, I feel like those are tangible problems, understandable, studied....but how can I begin to understand an addiction to slowly killing myself? I'd save money and resources by just putting a gun to my head....but the goal is not to die, it's to make living tolerable. And again, I know that urges leave, and I'll be able to breathe a while, but they always come back. Coming back is the worst part, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now I'm barefoot in field of my own disappointment and I just want to lay down. 

I for the first time in forever have actually begun to truly love myself. To truly explore myself inside, to hold myself and say "it's okay, we fucked up for a while, but that body you hated, loved to you too much to say goodbye, and we get a second chance now." And I honor myself now, for embracing this second chance. I sit here in my thoughts, and I am safe, but I am almost bothered by that. But, I will continue to honor myself, and sit here in my quiet and lets thoughts come and go, and embrace this gratitude of second chances. 

And please know, your body loves you too, even if you hate it. Honor it, let it love you.